


Undeserving

by witchee_writer



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Cheating, Child Abuse, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, Infidelity, M/M, Panic Attacks, but it had to be done, everything and everyone is a mess and it's not okay, im so sorry for all this pain, it's billy's fault because of course it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:40:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29374002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchee_writer/pseuds/witchee_writer
Summary: It wasn't the first time Billy had stormed out after a fight, sometimes it was easier, better for them both if he had time to cool down. But this- this wasn't meant to happen. He wasn't meant to wake up in some girl's bed, his head pounding, his memories a blur. He loved Steve, he was trying to be better for Steve, he wasn't meant to ruin it all because of one stupid mistake.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	Undeserving

**Author's Note:**

> Another day, another Harringrove fic. I feel no regret, is Season 4 out yet?

Billy stood outside Steve's front door, his fingers twitching against his side. He wanted to hit something, punch a hole through the door, feel the pain radiate up his arm. He deserved it, he would punch himself if he could. 

The lights were on in the house, they usually were. Maybe if Billy was there, Steve wouldn't flick on every single switch in the house, he would feel that little bit safer. 

The monsters were not what Billy had been expecting out of shithole like Hawkins. Who the fuck showed up to a house in the middle of nowhere to pick up their sister and expected to fight for their lives? Those little fuckers had come out of nowhere, snarling, their faces opening up to show rows and rows of teeth. Billy had done what he did best, and that was fight, lose himself to the rage and anger. He didn't remember much of the fight, it was a blur, and Harrington had stormed out of the house with a bat that had fucking nails in it. 

Everyone at school had talked about 'King Steve', about his fall from grace. The amount of people that talked about him, gushed over him, practically fucking drooled, told Billy that Steve hadn't lost shit, he had just walked away and left him with the scraps. He was there that night though, the famed 'King' of Hawkins High. He was there in the way he fought with Billy until the damned monsters turned tail and ran in the opposite direction, there when Max came out, eyes wide, and Steve had just pushed them all back in that weird little house and Billy had sat there and _listened_. 

None of it had many any fucking sense and Billy had told them all as much, had glared at Max and all her little nerd friends, had gotten all up in Steve's face because that was what he did, he intimidated people, threatened them. Steve didn't flinch, couldn't have cared less and maybe that should have angered Billy more, as it was, he had just sat back down and gone along for the ride. 

That night had changed everything. 

But it hadn't stopped Billy from being a real fucking asshole from time to time. 

Steve Harrington had rapidly become the most important thing in Billy's life and look- sometimes that scared him. For as much as Steve relied on him, Billy was the same with Steve. They had been through some shit together, they had _survived_ together and Billy wouldn't change that, wouldn't change any of it. They worked well together, even he could admit to that much. But, well, Billy was an asshole and Steve was a stubborn bastard, and sometimes they fought. Whether it was about Billy and his dad, or Steve keeping things to himself, or Billy pushing him away, getting drunk, getting angry, or Steve doing the same. Sometimes they fought, this time though, had gotten particularly nasty. 

Something dropped inside the house, and Billy heard Steve swear. He held his breath, not sure what he was waiting for, but when nothing happened, Billy let himself breathe again. 

Steve had been struggling for a few days, Billy had seen the signs, knew him well enough to figure it out. He should have been patient but that was never his strong suit, he had gotten angry instead. Steve had come out swinging, every word cold and cutting until Billy had just left. It wouldn't have been the first time he had stormed out, had given them space but it was the first time that he had-

His fists clenched at his side. 

_Fuck, fuck, fuckfuckfuck._

It hadn't been a part of his plan to screw everything up. Billy had just been angry, so fucking angry that they had been dating for months, that Billy had seen him at his worst (and vice versa) and Steve still tried to keep him out. He had been angry and hurt and he had driven out of town looking for the closest bar. The next few days had passed in a bit of a blur, he couldn't remember most of it. 

He was all too sober when he woke up in some girl's bed though.

That was when the panic set in. 

Billy had gotten the fuck out of there, had slammed his hand against the wheel over and over again until breathless, he just stopped. It was one thing for him to stay away, to go out and get drunk and start fights but this- fuck, Billy knew what something like this meant. Because this wasn't the first time that someone had cheated on Steve and maybe Nancy Wheeler had waited until they had broken up, _technically_ , but not by much and her heart was half-gone by then anyway. If she found out about this she would be on his doorstep with a fucking shotgun. 

He would deserve that too. 

But it had been a mistake, a fucking stupid mistake that Billy would take back if he could. He had been angry, but he hadn't wanted to hurt Steve like this. Steve had made everything in this stupid town better, easier. Billy could take the beatings from his dad if it meant he got to crawl back to Steve Harrington's at the end of the day, curl up against him. He didn't want to lose that, _couldn't_. 

Billy had thought about not telling him, it would solve everything (except the guilt that would grow with every passing day until he exploded). He didn't want to do this, but he had too. 

Billy had cheated on people before, but none of them had meant anywhere near as much to him as Steve did. He was the one that had fucked up, he had to face this, as much as he desperately didn't want too. He would rather stare down a horde of demodogs alone then do this. Fuck, he would rather face Maxine then do this. 

He took a breath and knocked on the door. 

He regretted it immediately, wanted to turn the other way and run. At least he could avoid this fucking awful conversation then, at least he wouldn't have to see Steve's face-

The door swung open and Billy froze, his breath catching in his throat. Steve looked like shit, he usually did when Billy came back after a while. He said it was always so cold, that the house felt empty and dark. There were dark circles beneath his eyes and Billy felt sick knowing they probably weren't about to get any better. Steve leaned against the door frame, his arms folded across his chest. 

"Well, look who decided to show up," said Steve, casual, uncaring. Billy knew better, but he didn't push it. There was no point, Billy was about to ruin it all anyway. 

"Bambi..." Fuck, his voice was so hoarse, he sounded like shit. 

A frown tugged at Steve's lips and he pushed himself up, "Look, come inside, okay? It's fucking freezing out." He was giving him the olive branch. It was what they usually did, just stepped aside when one of them finally came crawling back. The rest would work itself out, someone would apologise, the other would forgive and whatever they had argued about would be forgotten. That was what they did, and it had worked, except this time- well, this time Billy had fucked up. Steve tilted his head to the side, his brown eyes filled with concern. "Billy?" 

He had to do this, he couldn't lie to him, he just fucking couldn't. 

"I slept with someone else," Billy blurted out. He winced, glancing up at Steve. Any concern that had been there was wiped clean, he thought maybe he had seen surprise, hurt, anger, before Steve had shoved it away and his face was just cool. Billy honestly wanted to throw up, wanted to cross the distance between them and hold Steve, beg him to forgive him for being such a fuck up. But he felt so far away, it felt like there was a wall between them that Billy just- he couldn't cross. "I don't even remember it, fuck I was so drunk. I was just hurt that you kept things from me, that you didn't think I could help you, that you didn't want me too and I got out of town, I got drunk. I- I know it doesn't- it was some girl, I don't fucking know, it didn't mean anything." Maybe he thought if he talked for long enough, Steve might relent, might allow him close enough to touch him, to hold him, do something. Billy shook his head, his throat tight, his heart beating out of it's chest. "It didn't mean anything," he whispered. "I swear." 

Steve didn't move, Billy felt like he was choking on the silence, on the heaviness that had fallen over them. He hadn't meant to do this, he was angry but he hadn't wanted to lose Steve. That was the exact fucking opposite of what he wanted to do. Billy just had to go and stuff it all up though. He had let his anger make the decisions and that never ended well. Least of all for him. 

"Well," said Steve, finally, his voice steady. "I guess that's that then." 

Billy's eyes widened, he made a choking noise, stumbling forward. "Stevie-" The door slammed in his face before he could even get close. No, it couldn't end like this. He didn't even get angry at him, he didn't even tell Billy how much he hated him, how much of a screw up he was. Steve had just gone inside and closed the door on all of it. That was it, just like that. Billy pounded on the door, "Steve!" He didn't know why he bothered, he had known how this would go. But he just- he wasn't ready- he couldn't, not like this, not so suddenly, not so cleanly. Somehow, that hurt even more. 

Billy pounded his fists against the door for what felt like hours, but it made no difference. The door remained closed, even when Billy slumped down against it. It didn't surprise him, but it didn't make him feel any better either. 

He just wanted to go inside, to have Steve look at him with a smile and sparkling eyes, to coax him into doing something his parents definitely wouldn't approve of against the kitchen bench, to end up in his bed, to hold him, wake up beside him. He just wanted things to go back to how they were, he just wanted this stupid fucking mistake to _go away._

He was sorry, he hadn't meant for this to happen! He really hadn't. 

Billy didn't know what time it was when he left Steve's and crawled back home (if it could be called that). His Dad had woken up, or maybe he had been up waiting. Billy always had to come back eventually, and he laid in wait of that moment. Billy didn't have it in him to be afraid, to be angry. He deserved the beating, that was what he thought as his dad sunk his fist into his stomach, as he slammed Billy against the wall. Steve hadn't hit him, but he should have, he would have deserved it. Billy wanted this, wanted to hurt on the outside as much as he did inside. He made it easy for his dad too, goading him. It wasn't hard, just Billy's existence was enough to piss him off but combine that with the fact that Billy fucked around with guys as much as he did girls, well- Neil Hargrove was particularly vicious that night. 

He probably should have gone to the hospital, really. Billy crawled (literally) back to his room, blood staining the sheets, his head spinning. It didn't matter, none of it fucking mattered. 

Max slammed into his room the next morning (it was possible it had been more than one day, Billy had felt like he was drifting for a while), eyes burning with anger. He knew she had heard about him and Steve, he had no idea how. Maybe Steve had talked to Nancy, maybe the kids had overheard (because Steve wouldn't fucking tell them that Billy had gone and screwed someone else), or maybe El had been nosy again (this seemed the most likely), either way, all her anger disappeared in an instant when he turned to face her. She gasped, her hands shooting to cover her mouth. 

"Billy-" She hesitated, uncertain. "Billy, holy fuck." Max sounded so young too, she'd grown up a hell of a lot in the last few years but she was still just a kid. 

His sister. 

Their relationship had gotten so much better since the Byers' house. There had been more important things then Billy wallowing in his own fucking anger and bitterness and taking it all out on her. Max hovered over him, and Billy honestly couldn't even remember her moving. She was talking, but all Billy could see was her mouth moving. He did hear something about a hospital though, about calling Hopper and that- he couldn't allow that. The last time he had ended up in hospital they had moved to Hawkins. 

"No," croaked Billy. 

"But-" 

"No hospital, get the fuck out of my room, Maxine." She had come in angry, she should have still been angry. That made the most sense, that was what he deserved. 

"You're hurt!" Billy I've never-" Max bit her lip, and he hated seeing her like this, this lost. "I've never seen you this bad." 

"No hospital," said Billy, again. 

Max sighed, "At least let me patch you up?" 

He could have said no to her, should have even, but he didn't. Billy had just sighed and Max had taken that as all the answer that she had needed. She didn't come into his room angry again after that, just sad and worried (and scared when his dad had come in for another round three days later and she had shuffled in when his dad was gone and the house was silent). Even fucking Susan had wanted to take him to the hospital, he really must have looked bad but Billy still refused. It was more trouble then it was worth.

He still felt and looked like shit when he finally dragged himself out of bed, when he dragged himself downstairs and offered to give Max a ride to the arcade. He wasn't sure how long it had been since he had been on Steve's doorstep, eight days? Maybe nine? He had been pretty out of it for the first few. Billy didn't need to look in the mirror to know he looked like he had been hit by a truck either. He felt it well enough. There were broken ribs for sure, maybe his jaw too. His face was a mix of purples and reds and greens, broken up only by the bright yellow bandaids Max had placed over the worst of his cuts. He didn't know where his dad was, he also didn't care. Susan just seemed relieved that he was alive (if she had a spine she could have done more, but Susan was weak, always had been). All Billy knew was that he wanted to do something, to get outside. His Camaro was familiar, driving was familiar. He tore into the arcade carpark, Max letting out a breath when he finally came to a stop. 

"Get a lift home, I'll be busy," said Billy, refusing to look at her, at the worry in her gaze. 

"Billy..." 

He glared out the window, he saw her friends pile out of the car next to him. Billy sucked in a sharp breath, his grip on the steering wheel tightening. Steve looked at him in horror, eyes wide (like a fucking deer). He had seen him beat up before, but not like this, never this bad. Billy hadn't meant for him to see it either. That hadn't been the intention, Billy had just wanted to go outside, Billy had just wanted to forget for three damn seconds. 

"Get out, Maxine," said Billy, his voice sharp as he tore his gaze away.

"I think Steve wants to-"

"GET OUT!" She flinched, and Billy hated himself that little bit more but Max still did as she was told, slamming the door hard behind her. He didn't wait around to see what happened next. He didn't look at Steve again (he didn't fucking deserve it). Billy reversed out and sped away, his foot on accelerator. Billy didn't know where he was going, didn't care. It was only when he realised his chest had gotten tight, that his breaths were coming a little too sharp, did he pull over. The road was abandoned, no one would be around to see him have a whole fucking break down. Because who would want to come to Hawkins? It was a shit town. All he had for company was the trees and fuck knows what else was hiding out there. 

He knew from experience it could be anything. 

Billy wished he had a smoke, or a drink, or something, anything to take the edge off. Everything hurt, his bruises and cuts throbbed. It was possible that the broken ribs weren't helping his breathing any either. It just sucked- everything fucking sucked. He half-expected a demodog to jump out of nowhere, to try and tear out his throat. He wasn't Steve, he didn't have a bat of nails in the trunk of his car. He was too hurt to be able to do much but just let it happen. 

He should have just stayed in bed. 

None of this would have happened if he had just stayed in bed. 

A pair of headlights blinded him as a car pulled up (he knew it was the BMW, he knew it was Steve getting out). Billy thought maybe he still had a concussion given the way his head pounded with the lights fixed on him, bright in the darkness of the quiet road, the looming forest. Steve provided some relief, blocking the light from his eyes. That relief didn't do much else when the very thought of Steve being there made him fucking nauseous anyway. 

" _Billy_ -" God, Steve sounded as wrecked as he felt. He didn't want to look up at his face, and Steve didn't make him, didn't do much else but stand there. 

"Fuck off, Harrington," snarled Billy (anger was all he knew how to do). "I don't need a fucking pity party, hell, you should just kick the shit out of me too." 

"I wouldn't-"

"I know!" Billy slammed his hand against his car door. It didn't hurt nearly as much as he would have liked, "Why are you here?" 

"Because- because I love you." Billy's head shot up, the movement enough to make his head spin. Steve sighed, his hand tangling in his hair, brushing against his cheek. "I hate you, I'm mad at you, but I love you." He shook his head, "I never got to tell you before- before you-"

"Fucked someone else?" said Billy, his voice bitter. He slapped Steve's hand away, even if it was the last thing he wanted to do. "You shouldn't be here, Princess. You don't owe me shit, just-" 

"Shut up, Billy," snapped Steve, and his hand went to his shoulder, squeezing. He winced, and a pained look flitted across Steve's face as he loosened his grip. "I know I don't fucking owe you anything, but what you did doesn't just make everything that happened between us go away. Jesus, you think I'd get a kick out of you being hurt? Fucking hell, Billy. It scared the shit out of me. I don't want to go home and think about what your asshole dad is going to do to you, I don't want to think about what you would be doing if I hadn't come out here. You shouldn't even be driving, dipshit! You can barely even stand!" 

"Not your concern," murmured Billy. 

Steve kneeled down in front of him, forced Billy to look at him (as gently as he possibly could, that alone made his heart clench). "If Nancy had cheated on me, if she had come back, I probably would have taken her back. You mean so much more to me then she ever did, you're a bigger fucking asshole, but I still love you. I don't trust you right now, I'm angry, I'm hurt, but I- _I've missed you._ "

Billy could have cried, Steve was meant to be angry, was meant to leave him on the side of the road, not this. "You deserve better, Bambi..." he whispered. 

"Maybe," agreed Steve, "But I want you. It- it won't be easy, It's not going to be like it was before, but- I can't- I can't do this without you, Billy."

"You can."

"Then I don't want too."

Billy bowed his head, he _was_ crying now. He felt like a dickhead, hated the wetness that escaped his eyes but he just- he couldn't help it. Because this wasn't meant to happen. Billy had fucked everything up, that was usually it. He would go back to how he was, Steve wouldn't look at him, Max would hate him again, he would probably push his dad to the point that the old man just- didn't stop, kept hitting him until Billy didn't move anymore. Wasn't that how he was always going to go? And it would be his fault, he would have been the one that had stuffed up his one chance of something better because he had been angry and drunk and stupid. Steve was never supposed to forgive him (or maybe not forgive yet, but want him in spite of everything else). It- it didn't make sense. 

Steve wrapped his arms around his neck, so carefully, so gentle. He could have thrown himself at Billy and he wouldn't have cared. 

"You're okay," Steve whispered. "We're going to be okay too." 

They weren't yet though. That was what he didn't say, what he didn't need to say. Billy wanted to be comforting him, wanted to be begging for forgiveness, Steve deserved it. He looked so tired, so pale and exhausted, but it was the middle of the night and he was on the side of the road with Billy. The forest loomed over them, dark and menacing, and Billy felt it when Steve tensed, didn't have to look up to know he was staring out into the trees. It only lasted a moment before he was running a hand through his hair again, whispering in his ear. 

Billy pulled back, and Steve held his gaze, brushing a few stray tears from his cheeks. "Come home with me, okay?" 

_Home_. 

"Steve..."

"Please?" His voice shook, then. Steve needed this too, and Billy couldn't deny him, would never deny him anything again. Billy gripped his waist, tightly and Steve rested his head against his. "Please, Billy?" 

He had lost the use of his voice, all Billy could do was nod. Steve let out a breath of relief, helped Billy to his feet. It hurt, everything felt stiff and painful but Steve was there, and that was all that mattered. He vaguely remembered making a complaint about his car, but Steve assured him it would be just fine. They could come back and get it in the morning. Billy didn't have the strength to argue, just let himself be maneuvered into Steve's car. 

Steve held his hand, tightly. Billy didn't complain, he needed it. He must have drifted off because one moment they were turning around on a dark, abandoned road and the next they were in a suburban street. Billy let his head loll to the side, glanced at Steve. He was still holding his hand, Billy was glad. 

"Stevie?" 

Steve glanced at him, briefly. "Hm?" 

"I love you too." Steve's grip on his hand grew painfully tight for a moment, but Billy didn't mind. "I swear I do, that was all I could think of after- in the morning. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry."

"I know," said Steve, hoarsely. 

"But I do love you, I- I didn't expect too, when I first learned about monsters- but it happened, I do, I still do more then anything." 

"I know, Billy, it's okay." 

"No, it's not." 

Steve sighed, "No, not really but- it is what it is. Let's just go home, okay? We can talk about this after we've had some rest." 

"Okay," Billy whispered. 

It was awkward, none of this was going to be easy but it was _something_. Billy didn't even expect to get this much, but Steve Harrington never ceased to surprise him. He was so good, so special, he loved him so fucking much. If this was the universe telling him to fight for his happiness then fuck, he was going to listen. Fuck his dad, fuck monsters, they were going to be fucking happy. 

After all, Billy was pretty good at starting a fight. 

**Author's Note:**

> Happy ending? Eh, not really. Who knows maybe Steve will realise he deserves better in a few months time? Or maybe people will grow and their relationship will become stronger for it. I dunno, I just wanted to write some Billy cheating angst and then I just kinda left it open. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed reading! Feel free to leave a kudos or a comment, they always make my day. Xx


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